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Re: Voklavian Short short Story - Zim 

By: Zimbler0 in POPE IV | Recommend this post (2)
Fri, 27 Oct 17 4:43 AM | 70 view(s)
Boardmark this board | POPES NEW and Improved Real Board 		Msg. 37534 of 47202
(This msg. is a reply to 37448 by monkeytrots)
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MT> Zim, more active and present tense helps the reader to 'be there', experiencing the story.


I believe you are right, Professor.
I've copied your words out, and I'll have to ponder them.
Possibly even a re-write . . . More likely I just need
to learn to work from this point of view.

Let me see . . . Liana had been fired a week before.
A couple of days, then write and file a grievance. Then
the Admiral orders her to report - and the orders
referred to her as 'Captain Tril-Liana'. By Voklavian
fleet regulations, she should not have been in a
uniform at all . . .

So, yeah, "Was her class-C Uniform a deliberate thumbing of the nose to proper protocol ?"
I'd say yes.

And then the officers Class-C would be much more comfortable
to wear. Casual wear type clothing plus no pins or ribbons
to bother with. Only the one small gold star of a
Captain.

Thanks, Zim.




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Mad Poet Strikes Again.


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The above is a reply to the following message:
Re: Voklavian Short short Story - Zim
By: monkeytrots in POPE IV
Thu, 26 Oct 17 7:39 AM 		Msg. 37448 of 47202

Zim, more active and present tense helps the reader to 'be there', experiencing the story.

Was her class-C Uniform a deliberate thumbing of the nose to proper protocol ?

Tril-Liana walked into the Admirals outer office. She was wearing a class-C uniform. Every day work, not the class-A dress uniform she should have been wearing to see an Admiral.


Walking into the Admiral's outer office, Tril-Liana realizes she is in her class-C uniform, every day work clothes; not the class-A Dress appropriate for meeting an Admiral.

Avoid repetition;
The secretary said “You are expected. Have a seat and I'll inform the Admiral of your presence.”

Liana took a seat on the couch. She laid her head back and closed her eyes. The thought of a nap was tantalizing. Then the secretary said “Captain?” Liana opened her eyes and straightened up. “You may go in now” finished the secretary.

...

The secretary replies, "You are expected. Have a seat, and I'll inform the Admiral of your presence."

Taking a seat on the couch, head back, eyes closing, Liana's tantalizing thoughts of a nap flee when a sudden "Captain?" brings her eyes open. As she straightens up, the Admiral's secretary finishes with "You may go in now."

Don't know if that is any better. Keeping the tense active and present can be challenging. Might help to think "Relay what is going on, not what has already gone on."

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