The Borowitz Report (newyorker@newsletter.newyorker.com)
Dan Quayle: Profile in Ignorance
Dear reader,
I recently spoke with David Remnick on The New Yorker Radio Hour about my new book, “Profiles in Ignorance: How America’s Politicians Got Dumb and Dumber.” Unlike The Borowitz Report, which satirizes the news, “Profiles in Ignorance” is factual: the gaffes, misstatements, and fiascos it describes are often shocking and embarrassing—and, to the misfortune of the American people, they all really happened. One of the book’s towering figures is our forty-fourth Vice-President, Dan Quayle, about whom the humorist Molly Ivins once said, “If you put that man’s brain in a bumblebee, it would fly backwards.”
Although the hapless Quayle is perhaps most remembered for his failure to spell “potato” during a visit to a middle-school classroom, in 1992, that episode has overshadowed his greatest contribution to American history: an unmatched catalogue of incoherent utterances, many of which are small masterpieces of surrealism. In the interest of giving the man his due, I offer below the “Complete Knowledge of Dan Quayle” (unabridged).
—Andy Borowitz
Dan Quayle on Education
“Quite frankly, teachers are the only profession that teach our children.”
“We’re going to have the best-educated American people in the world.”
“You take the United Negro College Fund model—that what a waste it is to lose one’s mind, or not to have a mind is being very wasteful. How true that is.”
Dan Quayle on Geography
“We have a firm commitment to Europe. We are a part of Europe.”
“I love California. I practically grew up in Phoenix.”
“It’s wonderful to be here in the great state of Chicago.”
“The western part of Pennsylvania is very, uh, Midwestern. Midwestern. And the eastern part is more . . . east. Uh, the Midwest . . . Uh, Pennsylvania is a very important state, a big state. The western part is—Pennsylvania is a divided state, like Tennessee is divided into three parts. Pennsylvania is divided into two parts. You have western Pennsylvania and then you have eastern Pennsylvania.”
“Hawaii is a small state. It is a state that is by itself. It is a—it is different than the other forty-nine states. Well, all states are different, but it’s got a particularly unique situation.”
“Hawaii has always been a very pivotal role in the Pacific. It is in the Pacific. It is a part of the United States that is an island that is right here.”
Dan Quayle on Outer Space
“Space is almost infinite. As a matter of fact, we think it is infinite.”
“For NASA, space is still a high priority.”
“It’s time for the human race to enter the solar system.”
“Mars is essentially in the same orbit. Mars is somewhat the same distance from the Sun, which is very important. We have seen pictures where there are canals, we believe, and water. If there is water, that means there is oxygen. If oxygen, that means we can breathe.”
Dan Quayle on Family Values
“Illegitimacy is something we should talk about in terms of not having it.”
“Republicans understand the importance of bondage between parent and child.”
Dan Quayle on Politics
“This election is about who’s going to be the next President of the United States.”
“One word sums up probably the responsibility of any Vice-President, and that one word is ‘to be prepared.’ ”
Dan Quayle, Master Detective
“When I have been asked during these last weeks who caused the riots and the killing in L.A., my answer has been direct and simple. Who is to blame for the riots? The rioters are to blame. Who is to blame for the killings? The killers are to blame.”
Dan Quayle, Time Traveller
“The real question for 1988 is whether we’re going to go forward to tomorrow, or past to the . . . to the back.”
“I have made good judgments in the past. I have made good judgments in the future.”
“The future will be better tomorrow.”
“The Holocaust was an obscene period in our nation’s history. I mean, in this century’s history. But we all lived in this century. I didn’t live in this century.”
And, finally, Zen Quayle:
“Verbosity leads to unclear, inarticulate things.”
“We are ready for any unforeseen event that may or may not occur.”
“I stand by all the misstatements that I’ve made.”
Do something positive.
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