On this week’s Florida Man Friday, we have the heartwarming tale of the man who popped open a beer before his field sobriety test, the manliest dog rescue ever, and how not to react when given a free cookie. Plus, some craziness in Portland that even Florida Man would have trouble believing.
Even before my eldest son got his learner’s permit last year, I’d given him a few driving lessons just as soon as he was tall enough to reach the pedals and see comfortably over the dash. At the same time, just to be clear, because I’m responsible like that.
“The first rule of driving,” I told him way back when, “is not to make the car touch anything except for the road and not to let anything touch the car.”
It’s a shame nobody taught Florida Man that lesson before he ran into a gas pump, a fence, and a signpost while trying to flee the police.
At this point — you guessed it — Florida Man took off on foot, leaving behind “narcotics in plain sight” in his smashed-up car, according to the Escambia County Sheriff’s Office.
Sometimes I feel like I should end each of these vignettes with, “Just take the L, man.”
As always, one point is awarded in each category, except when I say so.
The first 14 seconds of this Fox 35 Orlando story have me grinning like an idiot — a very happy idiot. Happy dog, happy reporter, what’s not to love?
Florida Man Paul Broadhurst was walking his daughter’s dog last week when a bobcat attacked. “As he was walking down the sidewalk here, that bobcat come out and just — right overtop of him. … [the bobcat] no sooner got there, and I ripped him off.”
“The bobcat, he clawed into me pretty good, and I end up having to punch the bobcat in the mouth to get it off of me.”
All to save his girl’s dog, who got away without a scratch.
Bravo, Mr. Broadhurst. Bravo.
SCORE: 3 bonus points for Sheer Awesomeness plus 2 more for the amazing dog. Or maybe it’s the other way around.
Imagine it’s one of those nights when you’ve been drinking so much that you really shouldn’t be driving. To clarify: you really shouldn’t still be driving. So you pull over to the side of the road to sleep it off.
That’s what Florida Man seems to have done, except for the part where he pulled over before stopping the car. For all I know, he passed out behind the wheel and just gently drifted to a stop.
Florida deputies wrote in their report that “The vehicle was just sitting there,” parked in the right-hand lane of Gleason Parkway in Cape Coral.
They went to investigate, figuring the Mercedes might have been abandoned. Instead, they found Florida Man passed out in the driver’s seat, where “multiple open alcohol containers were observed between Florida Man’s legs and in the front cup holders.”
The report said that the smell of alcohol was “emanating from his facial area,” and thank you for being so specific about that. Undeterred by the police presence, Florida Man was seen to “reach between his legs and grab an unopened beer, and crack the tab.”
“The deputy attempted to grab the can from Florida Man when he began to resist and pull away.”
Bottoms up.
SCORE: Drugs/Alcohol, Vehicular Madness, Resisting, WTF Were You Even THINKING?
Before we get started on this week’s final Florida story, I would like to assure you that no cookies were harmed, I’m pretty sure.
McDonald’s has some kind of rewards program where customers are supposed to be treated to a free cookie if employees forget to ask them about it.
Some people — not me, maybe — might be tempted to say, “Let me stop you right there” as the cashier starts to ask me them about the program, in an attempt to get a free cookie. They are chocolate chip, right? Asking for a friend.
Anyway, Florida Woman was in a McDonald’s drive-thru in Altamonte Springs when the worst happened.
So Florida Woman did what most of us would do when handed a free cookie: She pulled out a semiautomatic pistol, inserted a mag, racked it, and (allegedly!) aimed the pistol at the drive-thru window.
Did she get the sugar cookie instead of the chocolate chip? I hate that, too.
Anyhoo, employees tried to lock the doors but Florida Woman got inside “and attacked a man, scratching him on the face and neck.”
Sure enough, the police came and took her away after she initially refused to comply. The story doesn’t make clear if she was ever able to enjoy her free cookie.
SCORE: Weapon, Stupid Crime, Resisting.
RUNNING TOTAL: 22 FMF Points.
So How Did Florida Man Do This Week?
Five scored stories, 22 points, for a very solid average of 4.4 points per story.
Thanks for another entertaining week, Florida Man and Woman. All of us here appreciate your efforts.
We’re subsidizing addicts to waste bottled water so they can buy a couple bucks worth of fentanyl. I can’t help thinking that aggressive treatment would be cheaper and less wasteful.
A story like that can mean only one thing: Florida Man has exactly one week to reclaim his crown of glory in time for the next exciting episode of…
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