Florida Man Friday is your much-needed break from the serious news, and this week we have a sweet and savory marriage proposal, how to take the L with honor, and a golf cart incident in Michigan that they swear almost never happens.
I hate it when I’m peacefully cruising down Marion Boulevard trying to goose my pickup into doing 90 in a 45 because then I’ll win a bet with Larry that I can do double the speed limit on Marion and now I can almost taste the shot of Fireball he’s gonna owe me but then there’s a deputy parked RIGHT THERE with his radar gun out so I put the truck into Stealth Mode by turning off all the lights and turning onto a different street but this cop must have stalth-proof radar or something because he follows right along and when I pull over he sees my “I’m the Reason the Beer’s Always Gone” shirt and then he arrests me even though I’m only like two or three times over the legal limit but the worst part is the cop clocked me doing only 89 which means I gotta buy Larry a shot of Fireball.
Don’t you hate that, too?
As always, one point is awarded in each category except when I say so.
I’ve wanted a monkey or an ape for almost as far back as I can remember. Since about age six or seven, I thought I’d get a chimp and name him Cornelius, after Roddy McDowall’s character in the original (and still best) “Planet of the Apes.” But I’d have settled for one of those tiny organ-grinder monkeys if I had to.
But what do you do when you spot a wild rhesus macaque monkey at Popeye’s drive-thru in Orange City?
The monkey fled almost immediately after being spotted. Locals called the Florida Fish and Wildlife Conservation Commission and told FOX 35 News, “The monkey’s smart because he looked at the traffic and he knew not to go that way.” It also knew exactly where to go for delicious, peppery fried chicken.
Somebody posted to the local police depaent’s Facebook page, “I did not have monkey on my bingo card for today.”
Best line from the story: “It remains unclear at this time how many monkeys have been seen.”
The Fox 35 writeup also cautions readers that if they spot a monkey, they should call the Wildlife Alert Hotline, but maybe they should call me instead.
SCORE: Wildlife, Fleeing the Scene, Drive-Thru Mayhem.
I’m a sucker for a good marriage proposal story — my own is a whopper, I assure you — and this is certainly one.
Florida Boyfriend and Girlfriend were traveling through Alabama to visit family:
Brooke James was in for a shock this past weekend when her boyfriend, Brad Richardson, got down on one knee to propose to her with a hot dog at The Wacked Out Weiner in Foley.
“It took me a few seconds to really understand it wasn’t a joke,” James laughed. “He has done stuff like this before. He will jokingly get on one knee when I ask for a paper towel and be like ‘Will you take this from me?’ But when I saw the smile on his face and the sparkle in the middle of the hotdog, I knew.”
“The sparkle in the middle of the hotdog” is my new favorite romantic phrase.
SCORE: 3 bonus points to Florida Engagement Man for Sheer Awesomeness and a fourth bonus point for naming a restaurant The Wacked Out Weiner.
You’ve just done 18 months in prison for impersonating a nurse’s assistant at a Panhandle health facility, so what’s next on your agenda now that you can taste freedom again?
If you’re Florida Woman, you steal some other nurse’s assistant’s ID and get the same fake job at a different facility.
The scheme was uncovered, police say, when the person whose identity was stolen received a letter from the rehabilitation center thanking them for their service as an employee. That person contacted Crestview police.
“But I can’t be charged for the same crime twice,” she explained to police during her second arrest.
Not really, but you can totally imagine it going down like that.
SCORE: Impersonation, Recidivism, WTF Were You Even THINKING?
It started off as a routine traffic stop in Polk County, with Florida Man doing a comparatively leisurely 68 in a 60. Here in Colorado, people look at you funny — including the police — if you aren’t doing 68 in a 60. Faster, if there’s snow.
The Florida trooper couldn’t help but notice a strong stench of marijuana coming from Florida Man’s car, which is no coincidence because he had “a black and blue duffel bag that had multiple clear plastic bags containing green leafy substances” that police found when they searched the car.
Along with “seven orange round pills, psilocybin mushrooms, an unlabeled pill bottle containing white round pills, and rectangular pills that were broken up into smaller pieces.” Testing came back positive for marijuana, amphetamines, dextroamphetamine, buprenorphine, hydrochloride, alprazolam, and psilocybin mushroom.
Dude, I haven’t even heard of a couple of those.
Although Florida Man had a valid medical marijuana card… c’mon! The trooper asked him why he had so much pot, and all our hero had to say was, “Just take me to jail, man.”
Five scored stories with a total of 16 points for an average of just 3.2.
I know that’s the lowest score we’ve seen in a while, but I don’t think it had anything to do with the entertainment quality of this week’s stories. Between “Wacked Out Weiner” and “Just take me to jail,” I’m a happy writer.
The girl is fine, and locals say dogs stealing golf carts and running over people doesn’t actually happen all that often. Once or twice a year, tops. Sometimes three. More, if you don’t just count the blues festival.
A story like that can mean only one thing: Florida Man has exactly one week to reclaim his crown of glory in time for the next exciting episode of…
DON'T BELIEVE A DAMN WORD YOU READ ON THIS WEBSITE!
The reader is responsible for discerning the validity, factuality or implications of information posted here, be it fictional or based on real events. Moderators on this forum make every effort to review the material posted on this site however, it is not realistically possible for a one man team to manually review each and every one of the posts atomicbobs.com gets on a daily basis.
The content of posts on this site, including but not limited to links to other web sites, are the expressed opinion of the original poster and are in no way representative of or endorsed by the owners or administration of this website. The posts on this website are the opinion of the specific author and are not statements of advice, opinion, or factual information on behalf of the owner or administration of Atomicbobs. This site may contain adult language, if you feel you might be offended by such content, you should log off immediately.
Not all posts on this website are intended as truthful or factual assertion by their authors. Some users of this website are participating in internet role playing, with or without the use of an avatar. NO post on this website should be considered factual information on face value alone. Users are encouraged to
USE DISCERNMENT
and do their own follow up research while reading and posting on this website. Atomicbobs.com reserves the right to make changes to, corrections and/or remove entirely at any time posts made on this website without notice. In addition, Atomicbobs.com disclaims any and all liability for damages incurred directly or indirectly as a result of a post on this website.
This website implements certain security features in order to prevent spam and posting abuse. By making a post on this website you consent to any automated security checks required by our system to authenticate your IP address as belonging to an actual human. It is forbidden to make posts on this website from open proxy servers. By making a post on this website you consent to an automated one time limited port scan of your IP address which is required by our security system to validate the authenticity of your internet connection.
This site is provided "as is" without warranty of any kind, either expressed or implied. You should not assume that this site is error-free or that it will be suitable for the particular purpose which you have in mind when using it. In no event shall Atomicbobs.com be liable for any special, incidental, indirect or consequential damages of any kind, or any damages whatsoever, including, without limitation, those resulting from loss of use, data or profits, whether or not advised of the possibility of damage, and on any theory of liability, arising out of or in connection with the use or performance of this site or other documents which are referenced by or linked to this site.
Some events depicted in certain posting and threads on this website may be fictitious and any similarity to any person living or dead is merely coincidental. Some other articles may be based on actual events but which in certain cases incidents, characters and timelines have been changed for dramatic purposes. Certain characters may be composites, or entirely fictitious.
We do not discriminate against the mentally ill!
Fair Use Notice:
This site may contain copyrighted material the use of which has not always been specifically authorized by the copyright owner. Users may make such material available in an effort to advance awareness and understanding of issues relating to civil rights, economics, individual rights, international affairs, liberty, science & technology, etc. We believe this constitutes a 'fair use' of any such copyrighted material as provided for in section 107 of the US Copyright Law.
At some point freedom of speech and copyright law merge. The following interpretation of "Fair Use" and subsequent posting policy were developed with the assistance of qualified legal council however, we are not lawyers and cannot offer you legal advise as to the limits of "Fair Use"
In accordance with industry accepted best practices we ask that users limit their copy / paste of copyrighted material to the relevant portions of the article you wish to discuss and no more than 50% of the source material, provide a link back to the original article and provide your original comments / criticism in your post with the article.
Though legally each situation is evaluated independently according to guidelines that were intentionally left open to interpretation, we believe generally this policy represents "Fair Use" of any such copyrighted material for the purposes of education and discussion.
You are responsible for what you "publish" on the internet. You must be sure any copyrighted material you choose to post for discussion on this forum falls within the limits of "Fair Use" as defined by the law.
If you are a legal copyright holder or a designated agent for such and you believe a post on this website falls outside the boundaries of "Fair Use" and legitimately infringes on yours or your clients copyright
we may be contacted concerning copyright matters at:
If you require a courier address please send a fax or email and we will provide you with the required information.
For expedited human review & removal of potential copyright violations we encourage users & copyright holders to utilize the "Report Copyright Violation" button that accompanies each post published on this website.
In accordance with section 512 of the U.S. Copyright Act our contact information has been registered with the United States Copyright Office. "Safe Harbor" noticing procedures as outlined in the DMCA apply to this website concerning all 3rd party posts published herein.
If notice is given of an alleged copyright violation we will act expeditiously to remove or disable access to the material(s) in question. It is our strict policy to disable access to accounts of repeat copyright violators. We will also ban the IP address of repeat offenders from future posting on this website with or without a registered account.
All 3rd party material posted on this website is copyright the respective owners / authors. Atomicbobs.com makes no claim of copyright on such material.
Please be aware any communications sent complaining about a post on this website may be posted publicly at the discretion of the administration.
---
DON'T BREAK THE LAW!
---
Other than that you can do / say whatever you want on this forum.
We reserve the right to block access to this website by any individual or organization at any time for any reason whatsoever or no reason at all.
| 
