Whether you and your wife are newlyweds or have been married for several years, this thought has, at one point or another, crossed your mind: "Is my wife planning to murder me?" Though determining the answer is not easy, there are warning signs.
The Babylon Bee is here to help increase your admittedly slim chance of survival by providing you with the following list of red flags to watch for:
1. She listens to podcasts about wives murdering their husbands: Sure, many wives do this, but your wife takes notes. Not good!
2. She always says things like "If you died, would you want me to remarry?": Yeah, it's over for you.
3. She has a large collection of Stanley tumblers that are heavy and sturdy and would make a great blunt weapon: Have you seen the size of those things?
4. Her Amazon wish list includes hydrofluoric acid and large plastic barrels: We both know what those are for.
5. She keeps encouraging you to get the COVID-19 vaccine: Those things kill.
6. She asks you to lie down in the trunk of her car: "Just to see how much cargo space it has," she says.
7. She has an oddly specific fitness goal of being able to deadlift exactly your body weight: Why would she need to only lift that much?
8. She planned a romantic date to that old abandoned mine on the outskirts of town: "It'll be great. There won't be anyone else around."
9. She books you a window seat ticket on Alaska Airlines: Even though she knows you prefer the aisle.
10. She's currently sharpening an axe on the kitchen counter:
Run!
While none of the items listed above is a guarantee she's trying to kill you, the odds are not in your favor. Keep your eyes peeled, chief.
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