Against the will of Liz Cheney, Jennifer Lopez, and Democracy itself, Donald Trump has been elected the 47th President of the United States.
It's a scary and confusing time for everyone. To help you be prepared, here are twelve things you should expect to happen over the next few months:
1. All women immediately issued their Handmaid's Tale outfits: Any woman caught not wearing one will be shot.
2. Construction begins on cages for immigrant kids, minorities, and the LGBTQ community: Minorities will be required to live in a cage for the duration of Trump's second term.
3. Tim Walz finally stops pretending to be straight: This should be a huge relief for him.
4. Ceremonial turning over of the White House Roku remote: One of the most important Presidential traditions.
5. Changing table removed from White House master bedroom: President Trump is fully capable of changing himself without any help.
6. Jan 6 becomes a federal holiday: All citizens will be required to leave out McDonald's for Trump on January 6 Eve.
7. Journalists all be required to wear dunce caps in public: As well they should.
8. Keith Olbermann is humanely euthanized: It's the compassionate thing to do.
9. Oceans heat up to 1 million degrees Celsius thanks to global warming: Kiss your loved ones goodbye.
10. RFK Jr. stops grifting for sympathy with his fake hoarse voice: That dude has been milking that for way too long.
11. All vaccines made illegal, killing everyone on the planet: Experts say this will happen within 2 days of Trump taking office.
12. You're finally able to afford eggs: Thank you, Lord!
Be sure to send this list to friends and loved ones so they can prepare too.
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